Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
