i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
