i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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