I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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