Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
