Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
