I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
