You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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