My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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