Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
