Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
