My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
