think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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