I wish I could teleport
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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