Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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