remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
