I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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