Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
