Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
