Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
