Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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