Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
