Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
