Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
