but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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