gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
