The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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