We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
