she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
jump out the window naked night went bad
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
