Pappa wants mamma naked
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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