I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
