The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
