me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
