That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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