Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
