I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
