I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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