dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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