I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
