I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
