It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
