my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
