The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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