dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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