I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
