I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
