Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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