I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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