She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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