Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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