you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I fill condoms, not promises.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
