I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
