he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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