Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
