then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
