naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
