i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
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enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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